Yin

        I haven’t seen my sister in over four years.  I remember when we used to go to Wet n Wild in Arlington and slide on the water slides.  We would have so much fun on the Durstooka(sp.) and the lazy slides, even the Black Hole.  Never rode the Black Hole; i was a little kid and that big black bulbous slide loomed overhead in that water park like a hulking tornado.  I compare it to a tornado because as a kid they scared me to death having survived a fierce twister around the same time.  It was an ominous presence among all the other benign slides, so I did not ride it.  But I remember several slides you could ride over and over because there was never a line.  There was a light above the slide that turned green when it was your turn to go; no more than like three people could go at a time and Yang would go with me and Nessa.  It was fun riding on their legs or ahead of them.  Many times we would all take separate slides and see who made to the bottom first.

It was my sister’s birthday not too long ago and now that we’ve traded our sunny family vacations for quiet rides to a hushed cemetery to go see Yang’s grave site, I wonder where I will be in the years to come.  Fairness is not a factor nor is being angry at her early departure from this mortal realm.  I just miss Yang.  I wish many things were different.  But we learn in the furnace of affliction and we all have our personal sufferings that keep us humble.  When I think about Yang, it seems like another life.  Memories that are ever-present,  though once painfully bright, now achingly dim, I can only wonder at what the future holds.  I fear it.  I welcome it.  Some say that a death in the family brings them closer together.  Being close is what got us through and what keeps us going.  We can thank Yang for that.  I think about her everyday and I hope to see her again.

Page.

Where do all the crumbs come from?

On the countertops.

Where do all the crumbs come from,

Every single day?

Where do all the crumbs come from?

I wipe them up until I’m numb,

Oh, when will it ever end?

When will it ever end.

I am thankful for the crumbs,

Though they bug me.

I am thankful for the crumbs

Hope they’re always there!

I am thankful for the crumbs

They mean there’s food that’s why I hum,

Oh, when will I ever learn?

When will I ever learn.

I get tired of cleaning  house,

Year after year.

I get tired of cleaning house,

For 35 years.

I get tired of cleaning house,

It’s never clean enough for me,

Oh, when will it satisfy me?

When will it satisfy me.

I am thankful for my house,

Though sock fuzz, it is a drag.

I am thankful for my house,

Year after year.

I am thankful for my house,

Cause it means I have a spouse!

When will I ever learn?

When will I ever learn.

I never see the first spring daffodil in the yard without thinking of Alexandria and how much she loved not only the flower, but the poetry about them as well.  One poem was simply entitled, “Daffodils”.  I remember her reading it to me.  How I loved the inflection of her voice as she read.  Her voice was so musical. 

Alexandria was a journal keeper from a very young age.  Here is an entry from January 19, 1986.  Alexandria was almost 11: 

Yesterday was Grandma’s birthday.  Today was Sunday.  Next Sunday will be my birthday! Yay!  I will be 11 years old!

I have a hunch my grandma is making me something for my birthday.  Because my mom mentioned my birthday to her and said that she better hurry up.  Yahoo!  She sews good.

Here is an entry from January 19, 1987:

I can’t wait til my b-day!  Only 6 more days!  I didn’t do…OH!   Today Ch.7 News filmed us in TA(unreadable).  I think they cut us off, though.  Glen got in (page cut off) though.  I AM SO MAD!        Goodnight!  Goodnight!  Goodnight!  (in smaller and smaller letters) Goodnight!  Goodnight!  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

June 5, 1982 (Yang was seven):  The Recital

Alexandria Wagley

Tony Hansen (then a bunch of pencil drawings of hearts) 

It was great.  But I was a little nervous.  The first act was perfect, The others were good, But they wern’t as good as the ballet, But they were all good.  I hated the one that the music was The Fall Guy, It was harable. 

And it was my moms and my dads 9th anniversary!

June 6th, 1982: The next day Glen was the first to get in trouble!  And I hated my mothers wistling.

And I had a puppy named Pitty Pat. We we went to Grandma’s house.

Ok, that’s all I can stand.  January is always sad now.  It’s the birth and death month of my mother.  It’s Alexandria’s birth month.  I hope there are daffodils where they are or at least that they can see daffodils.  I still have the poetry notebook she made that includes, among other things, the poem “Daffodils”.  I still remember how she read it and how she said, “A host of yellow daffodils”.

I have been trying for many many months now to get some inspiration on how to make order out of the chaos that is all of Yang’s STUFF!  Thankfully, she has a lot of stuff, and left many journals.  I happened to be looking through her missionary journal (which I’ve never completely read) and decided to post her entry of this date, December 12, 2002:

Today was a good day.  We went and did service in the morning because Andrea didn’t have anyone to help her.  A drunk guy (or a guy who smelled like beer, anyway) came in and asked me for condoms and then made an offer.  (They must have been working at the “help” center. Bag) I was disgusted, man.  He was looking at me the whole time I was speaking Spanish to him.  Yuck.  We taught a new member discussion to Miguel Angel and it was cool.  We were just sitting there talking about nothing and I was feeling the Spirit.  He is such a great little guy.  We also saw Jose Juan and he is going good.  He wants to get baptized, but wants to talk to his wife about it first.  SO, I told him to do it before I get transferred.  I think he will.  He told me the other day that he likes to talk to me because I’m like his youngest daughter—always coming up with random jokes in the middle of a conversation.  It makes me feel good to hear those kinds of things—like there really is a big reason for me to be here.  I don’t like how my comp always jumps in and interrupts me-like I’m saying something wrong or whatever.  Anyway.

Got a letter from the parentals.  Granny is in the hospital w/a stress fracture (back).  No good!  I’m getting another Christmas box next week.  Woohoo!  Exciting.  Oh, one thing I never wrote—One day we were talking to Uri and he told me that the first time he saw me, he knew that I would help him.  THAT was way cool.  I love that boy.

I have to lose weight.  I am starting to watch what I eat.  I didn’t eat any hamburgers last week.  BUT, Monday we had the “Great Blessing” and I ate two burgers.  Oops.  Then, today I ate a Whopper @ Burger King.  I was STARVING!  We ate breakfast and then NOTHING until 6:00.  Man, bad stuff.  I was shaking and everything.

It is so tough being on a mission.  There are so many ways to feel guilty.  I feel guilty just being myself sometimes.  Blagh.  I read a letter from someone on the high council in Olsen’s stake and they said that Satan will tempt you with things tailored to your own weaknesses and challenges, etc.  Like sickness for some, homesickness for others.

I was thinking today about how 2003 is going to be a busy year.  Finish the mission, travel, find a job, find an apartment, find a husband (!), etc.  Busy!  That’s cool, though.  I’m ready.    I’m so excited.  This year is going to end with a bang w/Jose Juan and others getting baptized.  It will be great!

There you have it.  I looked at some of her other journals and checked the dates on or near today’s date.  It’s amazing how often she writes about her future husband and children.  She writes just as often about how much she loves to be with her family.  I hope that y’all will endeavor to keep Yang alive in the hearts of your children and grandchildren. 

I miss her so much.  When I see her again I will tell her that y’all are all stanks and that you’ve talked bad about her the whole time!!!  MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I am glad for many things, many things, many things, I am glad for many things, that are mine today!  This simple Primary song expresses my gratitude for my many blessings.  Of all the things that I appreciate in Charles, the thing I love most about him is that he gave me my children.  I never in my life thought I would have such smart, well-behaved, GOOD children.  I think it absolutely frosted some of the teachers at “the Grove” that y’all were smarter than they were!!!

 As we approach Christmas, I can’t help but be ESPECIALLY glad for Yang.  Do y’all remember the mailbox that she bought at that little shop at school?  She brought it home and wanted everyone to leave notes in it for everyone else.  I’m sure she was the only one who NEVER FAILED to leave notes.  I have some that she wrote to me.  They are precious.  I’m sure it disappointed her that we didn’t all leave HER notes everyday.  I WISH I had. Yang made EVERYONE glad.  I love how she always wanted to be with her family more than anyone else.  As y’all know, that was one thing she said in her final journal entries shortly before she passed away.  She always wanted us to live in a big house, all of us together, forever. 

 Thank thee, thank thee, my heart sings, my heart sings, my heart sings, thank thee for the many things that are mine today!  (Especially eternal families and my Yang.)

I just realized it’s been 4 weeks since I’ve posted on here. I just wanted to say the anniversary of my sister’s death is coming up, so things are getting depressing. Sunday the 28th will be 4 years!! which seems so ridiculous. I will post something big all about my sister that day. Today I’m feeling not so great so I will save that for another day!! I miss you yang!!

I’ve been thinking about my sister a lot lately. The other day I was getting something out of one of the little plastic drawers in my craft closet and the combination of all the smells hit me and I was immediately transported back to my Lookout Pointe apartment I shared with my sister. It nearly knocked me down. I was so depressed and I thought to myself, “I have to get back to Utah!” Well, I know that even if I go back to Utah my sister, our apartment, and all the smells that made up our apartment won’t be there. Why smells can evoke such strong emotions and are tied to memories so completely is beyond me, but it sure does suck to smell a life that you can never have back.

My sister and I always had dreams of homeschooling out children together. How I wish she were still here so I could have a partner in crime. Here I am with a 5 year old going on 6 and I’m at a loss. I would give anything to have my sister here to help me with all the legality issues of homeschooling. I feel like Taylor would enjoy public school much more than either me or my sister ever did, but the education isn’t as good and the environment is definitely lacking (for lack:) of a better word). If yang were here we’d already have a full curriculum, complete with all the extras. My sister was just like that- efficient in every way. It’s coming up on 4 years and I hate it. I can’t believe one day I’ll probably say “it’s coming up on 20 years”. May none of you be separated from your loved ones for so many years…

Most people know Ken Jennings, the big Mormon Jeopardy winner. Well, not everybody knows that my sister worked with him for a couple of years at BYU in the Tanner building. My husband is now a subscriber to his weekly trivia and it brings back such memories of hanging out with my sister and Ken. Whenever I would get done with my classes I would go up and hang out with my sister in her little office and Ken was usually there. It was a small office with only about 4 people in it so they all got to know eachother really well. Ken and Yang were friends and their big thing was movies and this stupid movie trivia they would do every week. Ken had a dream of being on Jeopardy and I guess his dream came true in a big way When my sister was sick she was just watching tv one day and happened to flip past the channel with Jeopardy and saw Ken. She was so excited for him and it really gave her the best entertainment while she was sick. She always said he was the smartest guy she ever met. So- Ken, thanks for the entertainment and your friendship. PS my sister always had a crush on you

I’ve never been a huge fan of Cafe Rio. I always liked it when I went, but it wasn’t my first choice in Mexican food after Jacinto’s and Cabo came to Provo. My friend from Utah made Cafe Rio and brought us some last week and OH MY GOSH!!! I am addicted. After about 2 bites I called her and asked for the recipes. She found them online on another blog and forwarded them to me. I have made it twice. The salad dressing I could literally bathe in and the rice I could eat every day. But, the reason I’m posting this on here is because I just remembered- my first trip to Cafe Rio. I was with my sister. I had gone out to visit her for the summer and she kept going on and on about this Cafe Rio salad. (I think it was this same salad.) She said we just HAD to go. I don’t remember much about the food, but I remember going with my sister. She was a huge Cafe Rio fan. And, now-I am addicted to this Cafe Rio salad.  This is the website for the recipes http://hotoutoftheoven.blogspot.com/2007/09/cafe-rio-recipes.html

Try it- it’s worth the work and if you love mexican food- you’ll love this salad!!